Hamster Wheel

Sometimes I feel like I am the victim of too much information.

Not the gross kind, where someone graphically describes their bowel movement without provocation, or the disenheartening kind, when the object of an intense infatuation describes in endless detail their fascination for someone else.

Religion, science, love, hate, virtue, selfishness, self care, cruelty, wood, glass, materially identifying ourselves with clothing, cars, handshakes, and the image we hope to promote: all choices.

At times I feel the draw of the easiness of simply going insane, or becoming a nun, or just walking out of this reality into another. Maybe I'll become a truck-stop waitress and live in a trailer in Needles.

The burden of responsibility and the inanity of post survival social climbing at times is simply too much.

My mother once said I should get a dog so I have a reason to go to work. Is that why people have children?

Reasons: choice theory states that everything we do is an effort to fulfill one of five basic needs. Survival, freedom, love and belonging, power and achievement, fun. General psychological malaise is the result when we perceive one or more of these needs is not getting met. And the clincher: the balance of these is different for everyone.

I am suffering from ennui. Religion is too silly to believe in, materialism is hollow, and I just want to be myself. I guess I could get a dog, but then I would have to clean up after it, and remember to come home to it, and I wouldn't be able to keep running on this mental hamster wheel.

Vet bills would get in the way of my savings for a home (can't say house when you will inevitably spend the majority of your hard-earned salary on a piece of air surrounded by the walls of an apartment they say is yours to paint inside).

Ennui is the result of fulfilling the survival need. I guess I'll have to go out and defy death on my new bike some more.